Monday, February 28

Growing Up, Feeling Out Of Place

Argh. I truly do feel like I'm in junior high school again, moving to a new state, being forced to leave my friend in New Jersey behind, making new ones in Pennsylvania. I'm 21 now, actually just turned 21 this past Friday. I look at various relationships in my life and realize I don't have much left. I keep a small circle of friends. Those that I do keep close are truly gifted people. These are people who have changed my life dramatically in one way or another. I'm very grateful for that. In a sense though, I feel so alone. My best friend Kate, who is like a sister to me, any closer we would just have to become blood relatives, is graduating college this year. I'm ecstatic for her. She's worked extremely hard to get where she is. I wish nothing for the best for the girl. We used to live down the street from each other during high school. We became really close in band, marching band, etc... We clicked really well and she's an alpha-chick in a lot of ways and so am I. I gues that had something to do with it. We're both very strongly opinionated on many subjects and quite stubborn as well. We don't nessecarily agree on everything but we understand where the other one is coming from. She's been my strength all these years too. I wish I had the perserverance she has, and the motivation is just something I've never seen in anyone else before. She is truly amazing.

Well getting back to the story. She graduates college. She'll be recieving her Undergraduate Degree in Anthropology. Her college is 5 hours away from where she originally lives and where I still live. I've grown pretty used to her not being around much. When we do get the pleasure to see each other, when she's on break and whatnot, it's like she never left. She's decided to continue with her education and go to Graduate School. Turns out, she had gotten into two very prominent colleges for grad school, in England. My dear best friend Kate is going to England continue her education. I'm so delighted and excited for her. It will truly be an experience unlike any other for her to go through. I'm also extremely proud of her. I'll sit there and back her up no matter what she wants to do in life.

England is just so far away and even though I feel this tremendious happiness for her, at the same time my heart is screaming "please don't go!" I knew it was going to happen sooner or later. She thinks she's going to stay there after school too. It's awesome. We have always been able to understand personal space and boundaries and that alone has really brought us closer. I just don't know how to cope with this on a personal deep level. I try to ignore the part of myself that wants her to stay. It's just not working.

I've had to go through this before with my other very close friend, Jared. He had gone to Florida for art school. He also lives right down the road. It was hard, I cried a lot in the beginning. I got used to it though. Atleast Florida was atleast in the same time zone. Jared's back now, graduated and doing well.

I think i'm usually very good at handling long-distance relationships of any kind. My fiance and I had done it for a long time. He living in Indianapolis, while I lived here in 'lil 'ol Pennsylvania. That was also quite hard to deal with. I did get through it though. Now we live together.

That's pretty much all I have. Kate, Jared and Daniel. I do have two cousins that I used to be extremely close with. When I became ill, I naturally pushed them away (comes with the disease), plus they didn't understand what I was going through, thus making it easier to push them away. The bonds that I had with both of them feel broken. The three of us have been trying for awhile to become closer again. That counts for something. Even so, my cousin Nicole lives in North Jersey and Denise "technically" lives in South Jersey. She's going to college up here, but she graduates this year as well.

And something that makes this even more hard is my urge to want to go out all the time now. This is something completely new to me. I've always considered myself an introvert. Everyone else thought that as well. It seems though since I've become "legal", I have this need to just go out and have a good time. It's frustrating. Daniel is just 18, Kate is 5 hours away and Jared doesn't drink (mainly because he can't even get a buzz off the stuff, his tolerance is really high). Whenever Denise and I go to make plans something else always comes up. Nicole works a lot. Everyone is just off leading their own individual lives and I feel lost amoungst it all.

I think people are used to me not wanting to do anything or go out due to my past record with my illnesses. It's extremely hard to break that mold now of assumed judgement. At the same time though, I only get along with certain people. It's just all too confusing.

I truly do feel out of place.


A wonderful picture done by a very good friend of mine, Jared Lewis. He's an amazing artist. I'm currently working on his website design. Here's a sneak peak at his work. You can see the rest of it at http://www.kurocrash.deviantart.com Posted by Hello

Wednesday, February 23

Another Quiz

Taken from Site AyntRyte
I slightly changed it though...

I’ve Kissed A Member Of The Opposite Sex
I’ve Kissed A Member Of The Same Sex
I’ve Never Crashed A Friend’s Car
I’ve Never Been To Japan - but plan on going next year
I’ve Been In A Taxi
I’ve Been In Love
I’ve Never Had Sex In a Public Place
I’ve Been Dumped
I’ve Never Done Cocaine
I’ve Never Shoplifted
I’ve Been Fired
I’ve Never Been In A Fist Fight
I’ve Never Had Group Intercourse
I’ve Never Snuck Out Of My Parent’s House
I’ve Been Tied Up
I’ve Regretted Having Sex With Someone
I’ve Never Been Arrested
I’ve Made Out With A Stranger
I’ve Never Stolen Something From My Job
I’ve Never Celebrated New Years In Time Square
I’ve Never Gone On A Blind Date
I’ve Never Lied To A Friend
I’ve Never Had A Crush On A Teacher or Professor
I’ve Never Celebrated Mardi Gras In New Orleans
I’ve Been To Europe
I’ve Skipped School
I’ve Slept With A Co-Worker - mainly cause we're engaged
I’ve Cut Myself On Purpose
I’ve Never Had Sex At The Office
I’ve Never Been Married
I’ve Never Been Divorced
I’ve Never Had Sex With More Than One Person Within The Same Week
I’ve Never Posed Nude
I’ve Never Gotten Someone Drunk Just To Have Sex With Them
I’ve Never Killed Anyone
I’ve Received Scars From My Sex Partner
I’ve Never Thrown Up In A Bar
I’ve Never Taken a Hallucinogenic Drug
I’ve Never Purposely Set A Part Of Myself On Fire
I’ve Eaten Sushi
I’ve Never Been Snowboarding
I’ve Had Sex At A Friend’s House While They Were Throwing A Party
I’ve Never Had Sex In A Dressing Room
I’ve Flashed Someone
I’ve Met Someone From The Internet

Monday, February 21

Top 25: Medical Stories

I found this to be quite interesting. The title link goes to the online version of what I watched on CNN early yesturday morning.

One of the Top 25 Medical Stories is Anthrax, which is to be expected, but did you know that they're making home safety kits in case of an Anthrax epidemic? This is the new thing. Apparently they're making Anthrax Vaccine Patches and soon everyone will be able to keep them in their households. If there is an outbreak of Anthrax, people are advised to just take these patches and put it on their bodies. Instant Vaccine! I found it to be quite interesting. I'm not sure if it's too much paranoia or if there will actually be a day we'll need it. I mean, after all the tradegy of the WTC was unthinkable until it happened.

Introducing A.I. Designs

I opened up a t-shirt shop. Another way to make money for college. If you like anything, please don't hesistate to buy. Most of the t-shirt designs are custom made. The website doesn't look so hot yet. That's tomorrow's project, making it much more attractive and organized. It still works though. Link is below.

A.I. Designs

Sunday, February 20

Taking A Moment

I would like to take a moment to remember a friend of my fiance's who has recently past away due to respiratory cancer and leukemia. If you are the religious type, please put Matt and his family in your prayers tonight. He was 21 when he had passed away and also had a wife. He was a very healthy person up until 6 months ago when he went for his normal physical. That's when they had found both cancers. He was a runner, a state champion to be exact. He never smoked and neither did those he hung around. He was truly healthy. As they saying goes, they always take the good ones first in life. Well, Matt, my prayers are with you tonight.

Another reminder that those close to you can be gone in a blink of an eye. Never take others for granted. Appreciate every second of your life and the time you have with those that you love.

Please Notice The New Donation Button

Alright, here's the deal.

I placed a new donation button on my blog. It's a Paypal donation button, they had many to choose from, this one looked the nicest.

I'm going back to college this coming Fall. I'm double-majoring in Fine Arts with a focus in Photography as well as Film Studies. I'm minoring in English. Paperwork is done, it's inevitable, I'm going. I need to go. That's final.

I don't have much money at all. Financial Aid will cover a nice amount, but any help is appreciated. My parents spent whatever I had as a college fund on a treadmill for themselves, as ridiculous as that sounds, it's true. I've suffered a severe mental illness for the past 10 years of my life as well. I've fought it and I've won. So now it's time to get my life back on track. Also, at the moment my profession is a writer. Writer's well new writers breaking into the field, really don't make much money. I'm also planning on getting my bartender's liscence sometime in the next month or so. Then a "real" job to help support all of this.

So this is very legitimate. I know there are a lot of skeptics out there.

Anything would be greatly appreciated :)

Friday, February 11

Kamikazee Girls

I was watching a movie earlier, I believe it's titled "Husbands and Wives". Woody Allen, Julliette Lewis... There's this part where Woody Allen is talking about these so-called Kamikazee Girls. They're woman who are spontaneous, and free-spirited. Basically though they always end up spiraling into this mess. So they're very unstable right? Then he was talking about how he was attracted to this certain type of woman. Alright so. I guess I would be classified as a Kamikazee Girl, due to my bi-polar depression and I do make a lot more trouble for myself and end up in a huge mess. Which, someone else usually has to clean up for me.

So to get this straight, from Woody Allen's character in that movie, there are guys that are attracted to such things. Hrmmm...

Then should I feel so bad for putting Daniel through the shit that I have?? Even though, none of it was on purpose, it's all due to the disease.

Something I'm going to have to ponder about.

Poetry Sneak-Peak

I don't usually do this, mainly because I don't trust internet copyright laws. Since this manuscript is copyrighted by other means than the internet I guess it's alright. This is one of the poems in my manuscript that is currently being shopped to agents. Comments truly appreciated.

Caustic spasms throughout the night
Radiate like stolen lights
Taken from the earthly misery
Shaking the sky above
Your breath becomes clear in this heat
Uncommon to the lonely nights
Laying with you here is a faint memory
That time will slowly forget
Healing uses a lot of pain
To shake the emotions clear out of thought
You're now on another page
That's trailing into space
To clean this horrible mess
I must invoke my deepest friends
To carry me through this darkness
That lurks on to be forever
As I struggle to close the book once again

© Toni Lynn Iachetta

Thursday, February 10

My Oscar Predictions

Just a little list I've put together.

Best Picture : Ray
Actor In A Leading Role : Leonardo DiCaprio for The Aviator
Actor In A Supporting Role : Jaime Foxx for Collateral
Actress In A Leading Role : Hillary Swank for Million Dollar Baby
Actress In A Supporting Role : Natalie Portman for Closer
Animated Feature Film : The Incredibles
Art Direction : Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortuneate Events
Cinematography : House of Flying Daggers
Costume Design : Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortuneate Events
Directing : The Aviator
Documentary Feature : Born Into Brothels
Documentary Short Subject : Mighty Times : The Children's March
Film Editing : Collateral
Foreign Language Film : The Sea Inside
Makeup : Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortuneate Events
Music (Score) : Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortuneate Events
Music (Song) : "Learn To Be Lonely" from The Phantom of the Opera
Short Film - Animated : Ryan
Short Film - Live Action : 7:35 In The Morning
Sound Mixing : Ray
Sound Editing : The Incredibles
Visual Effects : Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban
Writing (Adapted Screenplay) : Finding Neverland
Writing (Original Screenplay) : Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

Wednesday, February 9

In My Address Line

I found this neat little fun thing on Sweet Memes What you do is type in every letter of the alphabet in the URL address line of your browser and whatever comes up, you put on here? Somehow, I thought this was really neat.

A = amazon.com
B = Blog Explosion Member Surf
C = CNN
D = dictionary.com
E = Enri A Ottawa's Blog
F = My Other Blog Faerie @ Journalspace
G = Gmail
H = Heartlight Quotes
I = One Of My Art Sites - Icedangel @ Deviantart
J = Journalspace
K = A Blog I Believe In Japanese
L = Hehe Lil-Faye @ Blogspot
M = Morgan McLintic On PR
N = Google News
O = Orkut
P = Absolute Write Water Cooler
Q = n/a
R = Ivan Blog
S = Systran Language Translator
T = The Sims 2 Official Site
U = n/a
V = n/a
W = n/a
X = n/a
Y = n/a
Z = n/a

n/a == no sites listed under those letters

As you can see I wander around the "interweb" (as my lovely tech support fiance loves to call it) a lot. :)

A to Z First Things In My Life

I also had gotten this from Sweet Memes. I have a lot of time to kill for the moment so I have time for another one of these.

Apartment
My first apartment was at PSU Wilkes-Barre Campus. I hated it. Well I loved the freedom, a whole place to call my own bit. I had two roommates though. One was great, she was a real sweetheart. The other one... Well she was a severe drug addict. It was horrible, and I quote "The reason why I'm majoring in pharmaceutical management is so I can get free pharmies and use them how I like" Then she went and sniffed a cocktail of crushed up pharmies... I'm completely against illegal substances, so you see, it didn't go over well with me at all.

Best Friend
My first best friend was either my cousin Nicole or my parent's friend's daughter Heather. I hung out with both of them a lot and we were all in the same age group. It's a tight call.

Car
It was a 1990 Dodge Daytona, red, great condition, hatchback, all the detailing. Beautiful. I called it The Red Monster. Bought it for 2,000$ USD. Then after about 10 months or so, the trans and the engine went at the same time. Donated it to the Diabetes Foundation. They take cars, fix them up like new, auction them and the proceeds go right back to the foundation.

Date

Uhmm, my first "official date" let's see... I was 15 and it was Valentine's Day. He was like 3 years older than me. The relationship actually lasted a good 8 months or so. Then I found out he cheated on me a few times.

Enemy
Hrmm. I don't remember... oh wait, yes I do. I was in 1st or 2nd grade. The kid's name was Jeremy. He sang this song about me everyday for the next couple of years. Song was based on my name. "The Toni Baloney Blues"

Funeral
I was 6 or so I think. It was my grandmother on my father's side of the family's funeral. She suffered from Alzheimers for years as I remember correctly. I love her though. She was a real big animal lover. I do miss her.

Gamble
I honestly cannot remember.

Heartbreak
Look under "Date"

Intoxication
It was the summer after my junior year in high school. A bunch of us went to Europe. It was an accidental intoxication to be honest. We were in Paris at the Moulin Rouge. Well they come around and refill your champgne glasses, but they kept refilling and refilling them. I had lost count because I was paying too much attention to the show and well I was out for the count. That night, I ended up stealing a street sign, dancing in the middle of the street with parisian strangers, fell out of a taxi cab, and had to be escorted, more like carried to my hotel room.

Job
I was a cashier at a local grocery store. Worked there for a year, was paid minimum wage the whole time. When Target came-a-knocking with a $1.75 raise I told the grocery store to shove it.

Kiss
I was in 6th grade. Kenny was his name and gay he became. Later down the road in high school he came out of the closet. He was still my first pre-adolescent boyfriend though.

Love
Again, see Date and Heartbreak.

Movie

It was either Cinderella, Lady and the Tramp, or The Neverending Story. I remember The Neverending Story being my favourite though.

Nickname
Lullabelle (made by my mom, no fucking clue why, but it's still used to this day) or Monko (made by my father). Apparently I was a little monkey. :)

Overnight Sleepover
I was always "the home-sick kid" growing up. I stayed at my grandparents a lot, both sides of the family. Also I guess when I was in elementary school, my parents had a sleepover for my birthday so a bunch of friends came over. I guess that's my first one.

Pet
Benji. He was a beagle. We lived in this apartment in Parsippany and we had this beagle that couldn't control his bladder or uhm his poop. It wasn't that he wasn't housebroken. It was just that he was old and literally needed the equivalent of Depends for doggies. We had to sell him when we moved into the other apartment. I was real young.

Queer Experience
Well, I was young. I found out I liked girls as much as I like guys though in high school.

Road Trip
I have family in Virginia. When I was younger we always would drive down there to Virginia Beach. I guess that was my first road trip.

Speeding Ticket
I was 17 I believe. It was Christmas Eve. I was doing 81 in a 55. A state policeman pulled me over and he could've legally arrested me for reckless driving and impounded my car. Since it was Christmas Eve, I had only gotten a nasty speeding ticket and 5 points on my liscence (6 points is the max in PA before they revoke it). I paid a good chunk of money for that.

Time
I was 16. See Date, Heartbreak, and Love...

Unchaperoned Concert
Wow. Think think think. Bad Religion. :) Yeah that was fun. I was all the way in the front against the barriers. Came out of that concert and had to see a doctor the next day. Diagnosis was a few broken ribs, and extreme bruising on my left breast. Why, you may ask? Well there was this rather large older lady standing right behind me and she couldn't handle the move and sway of the crowd so she almost fell and on her way down she reached over my shoulder and grabbed my breast and wouldn't let go! A friend I was with turned around and punched her in the face, then she let go. It was fun.

Visit To Another Country
Again, summer after my junior year of high school. We went to London, Bath, Paris, Rome and Ostia. 2 weeks worth. Real fun, I'm dying to go back over to Europe again.

Westward Migration
Well didn't move too much west. Went from NJ to PA when I was 12. My parents desicion obviously.

X-Ray
I was getting x-rays all the time when I was a dancer. Knee, back, ankles, pretty much anything from the waist down and my back and neck. First of all of them were my ankles though. Just ended up spraining em pretty badly, never broke anything.

Yoni Tree
*blinks* say what now?

Zombie Movie
My first zombie movie was Night of the Living Dead. YEAH!

Alright, I think I'm done! :)


Monday, February 7

Interesting Weekend

I'm so ecstatic for so many people as it stands of today. My best friend Kate had gotten into grad school in England for anthropology. My cousin Denise will be graduating college soon and she already has a job lined up with NFL Films, which is just incredible. Congrats hun :) My other cousin, Dominic is expecting a new addition to his family next month!!!!! Yep I went to Jen's baby shower Saturday and it was just so much fun. The shower itself was set up so nicely. Jen made out like a bandit! Seriously, the hall where the shower was had a stage so that's where all the presents went and that's also where she opened the presents up. The whole stage was just filled with presents. I'm glad she had a wonderful turn-out and a huge amount of gifts. She deserves em. She's seriously one of the sweetest people I've ever met and I'm so glad she married my cousin Dominic and she's a part of the family. Denise is going to be an aunt and she's been gleaming. We're all very excited.

In all this, I had caught a bit of the baby bug. Nothing to worry about. I'm smart enough to know that I have to wait until Dan and I tie the knot and until I'm completely out of college. I'm estimating 5 or 6 years before the baby bug really bites me in the ass. But for fun, I was thinking of cute things that I would want to do and how I would set the nursery up for when I do become pregnant. Some ideas consist of making the nursery theme around Peter Rabbit. Hunt down those first pressings of the book Peter Rabbit. I have a baby name already if it's a girl. It's a name that's not new, been in my head forever. Just like how girls always dream about how they want their weddings to be... etc... Just that type of thing. That's all this is for me. So like I said, no worries. Also, it's always smart to plan. I figure if it's something as major as getting married or having a baby or even accepting certain career opportunities the main key to all of those abrupt life changes is planning. So I've been working on a timeline and this book I'm coming out with is only the beginning of it all.

I'm afraid that when my family (some of them already know) and my friends (not my close friends, they know me better) find out that this book is getting done that, that's it. I'm now labeled a writer and that's literally it. In some people's cases, yeah that's true. Definately not in mine though. I am planning on attending college this fall and double major in Fine Arts with a strong focus in photography still, plus majoring in Film Studies for directing & screenwriting (which for the past 5 years i've been completely into film and photography way too much to not be able to major in both). I'm planning on minoring in creative writing. All my electives are going to be writing classes, then if I want to I can go back for another year or two after my two degrees, take a couple more courses in writing and get a degree in English as well. I plan to do nothing but two things while in college, which are of course focus on my classes and work on either a screenplay or depending on my contract, a second book. My life will be gone as I know it. I hope Daniel is just as busy though. I'll have a full class schedual of either 16 or 17 credits, plus I'll be back in Honor Society. Daniel understands that I have to make up for lost time and he also knows I'm not just doing this for me but I'm proving everyone wrong who has doubted me along the way. Which, to me, is a big deal. Like my mother and my manuscript, she hates it. To her, it's unrealistic. Okay we'll see what you're saying six months from now when I have Daniel's cousin Tabby (who's a lawyer) look over my contract.

I was sick for so many years... To be exact almost 11 years. That's 11 years of my life I will never be able to make-up and because of my tract record, of course no one thinks I'm going to achieve anything. Sure it's understandable. But now, being almost 95% better with just a few minor setbacks every now and then I can accomplish more then I have ever been able to in the past. There are also some people, a small handful who do think that I can do this and the list includes but is not limited to, Daniel, who's my fiance, he believes me but he knows as well as I do these things take time... and my father who sits there and encourages me and shares my dreams (then my mother yells at him for it). There are other people that know my problems and have accepted them and want to see me do something, anything, but are afraid to lay pressure on me so they ask about it and that's that. Which is fine too! Atleast they show interest and they don't say anything negative, but at the same time aren't... like I guess their neutral, they're just happy I'm doing something.

Anyways, ending the rant. I'm happy. I'm extremely ecstatic about all of this. Hope everyone else had a great weekend as well :)

Friday, February 4

My Amazon.com Wishlist

My 21st birthday is coming up. It's on the 25th of February. This post is basically just for friends and family who don't know what to buy, if they're planning on getting me anything at all. Yes, the list is extremely far-fetched, but one day I have hopes to not have to worry about even making a wishlist :)

Rap and R&B Lyrics

For anyone who likes rap and/or r&b! I for one like certain hip-hop and find this link fun.

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