Monday, February 28

Growing Up, Feeling Out Of Place

Argh. I truly do feel like I'm in junior high school again, moving to a new state, being forced to leave my friend in New Jersey behind, making new ones in Pennsylvania. I'm 21 now, actually just turned 21 this past Friday. I look at various relationships in my life and realize I don't have much left. I keep a small circle of friends. Those that I do keep close are truly gifted people. These are people who have changed my life dramatically in one way or another. I'm very grateful for that. In a sense though, I feel so alone. My best friend Kate, who is like a sister to me, any closer we would just have to become blood relatives, is graduating college this year. I'm ecstatic for her. She's worked extremely hard to get where she is. I wish nothing for the best for the girl. We used to live down the street from each other during high school. We became really close in band, marching band, etc... We clicked really well and she's an alpha-chick in a lot of ways and so am I. I gues that had something to do with it. We're both very strongly opinionated on many subjects and quite stubborn as well. We don't nessecarily agree on everything but we understand where the other one is coming from. She's been my strength all these years too. I wish I had the perserverance she has, and the motivation is just something I've never seen in anyone else before. She is truly amazing.

Well getting back to the story. She graduates college. She'll be recieving her Undergraduate Degree in Anthropology. Her college is 5 hours away from where she originally lives and where I still live. I've grown pretty used to her not being around much. When we do get the pleasure to see each other, when she's on break and whatnot, it's like she never left. She's decided to continue with her education and go to Graduate School. Turns out, she had gotten into two very prominent colleges for grad school, in England. My dear best friend Kate is going to England continue her education. I'm so delighted and excited for her. It will truly be an experience unlike any other for her to go through. I'm also extremely proud of her. I'll sit there and back her up no matter what she wants to do in life.

England is just so far away and even though I feel this tremendious happiness for her, at the same time my heart is screaming "please don't go!" I knew it was going to happen sooner or later. She thinks she's going to stay there after school too. It's awesome. We have always been able to understand personal space and boundaries and that alone has really brought us closer. I just don't know how to cope with this on a personal deep level. I try to ignore the part of myself that wants her to stay. It's just not working.

I've had to go through this before with my other very close friend, Jared. He had gone to Florida for art school. He also lives right down the road. It was hard, I cried a lot in the beginning. I got used to it though. Atleast Florida was atleast in the same time zone. Jared's back now, graduated and doing well.

I think i'm usually very good at handling long-distance relationships of any kind. My fiance and I had done it for a long time. He living in Indianapolis, while I lived here in 'lil 'ol Pennsylvania. That was also quite hard to deal with. I did get through it though. Now we live together.

That's pretty much all I have. Kate, Jared and Daniel. I do have two cousins that I used to be extremely close with. When I became ill, I naturally pushed them away (comes with the disease), plus they didn't understand what I was going through, thus making it easier to push them away. The bonds that I had with both of them feel broken. The three of us have been trying for awhile to become closer again. That counts for something. Even so, my cousin Nicole lives in North Jersey and Denise "technically" lives in South Jersey. She's going to college up here, but she graduates this year as well.

And something that makes this even more hard is my urge to want to go out all the time now. This is something completely new to me. I've always considered myself an introvert. Everyone else thought that as well. It seems though since I've become "legal", I have this need to just go out and have a good time. It's frustrating. Daniel is just 18, Kate is 5 hours away and Jared doesn't drink (mainly because he can't even get a buzz off the stuff, his tolerance is really high). Whenever Denise and I go to make plans something else always comes up. Nicole works a lot. Everyone is just off leading their own individual lives and I feel lost amoungst it all.

I think people are used to me not wanting to do anything or go out due to my past record with my illnesses. It's extremely hard to break that mold now of assumed judgement. At the same time though, I only get along with certain people. It's just all too confusing.

I truly do feel out of place.


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